Walk 2: Connection or Polarization?

“Nobody gets to assume anything about anybody else.”

This was an immediate response from a friend of mine on a recent podcast episode, when I asked what favor he’d ask of the people of the world.

I vividly remember the exact moment he said this, because I've always loved the idea that genuine curiosity is the single biggest way we can combat the polarization we see everywhere today.

But in retrospect, it was actually one of his follow-up thoughts which really stood out to me:

"In this age, often unfortunately I think finding community means ‘we like to do XYZ thing but also we’re really against these other people’"

In other words, in order to connect with some people, we label or judge or assume something about another set of people.

And so the connection or community we form with some people is not just because of our shared interests or activities, but perhaps even more so due to a shared set of judgments about “another” group. Wanting to feel superior in some way.

Me considering my assumptions about others.

"Everyone is so into pickleball these days, all these people talking about how they're so good. If you really had the skills then you'd play tennis." (I'm joking, but just to illustrate a silly example)

Put another way, sometimes in forming community with certain people, we’re actually also further polarizing our discourse, our circles, and our world.

Think of online forums (or also on radio shows, TV programs, office/dinner conversations, etc) where there is so much argument versus respectful dialogue.

Many statements being made, few questions being asked.

My friend continued by saying that of course at some point you still get to decide how you feel about certain people.

But the idea is that before this, instead of putting someone in a box quickly (note: our brain loves to do this kind of pattern recognition ASAP), we can practice articulating all the things we have in common with someone.

We pause before “bucketing” them. And we do this by asking questions to create an environment that is conducive to an open conversation.

So in this vein, a couple practices + reflections to work on this:

(1) Think of someone with a point of view you disagree with.

• Write down 5 questions you could ask them, purely to be curious and try to understand where they’re coming from.

• What assumptions are you currently making about this person? Can you challenge these?

• What do you have in common with this person?

(2) Think of someone you’ve recently bonded with.

• What shared beliefs or activities do you have?

• Do you feel connected to this person in any way because of shared judgment of a different set of people?

• Can you think of instances where you together spoke negatively about people with contrasting beliefs?

Even in writing these questions, I can feel in my body an acknowledgment that I need to continue practicing all of this.

What do you feel right now?

Remember, 99.9% of our DNA is shared with every single other human being.